about the fat thing

so, someone got me thinking about my being a tubby ass. up until the 2nd grade i was really thin. i mean, really thin. i didn't look funny or anything because i have a tiny bone structure, but i was very slim. then i started to hit puberty. i didn't get my period for another 4 years, but i started gaining weight, mostly in the chest and hips. in 3rd grade i wore normal size clothes for the first time (instead of slims) and by 4th grade i was wearing girls plus sizes. i wasn't fat yet at that point but i thought i was because i had to wear plus sizes. by the summer between elementary and middle schools i started getting stretch marks, on my thighs and chest. i still wasn't fat (a rapid enough increase in size to get stretch marks but i started out so thin), but i really felt i was at the time.

by the time i started high school, i was getting kind of big, but i don't know that i would say looking back that i was really 'fat'. my doctor still swore i was within the normal range (although i don't know if that range was based on age or height, and if it was age it wasn't fair because i might have been 5', maybe). by the time i graduated high school and was starting college, my doctor expressed alarm at my weight and recommended testing for tyroid disorder. since then i have gained at least 20 pounds and 2 pants sizes.

there is a number i've come up with as my ideal weight based on the weight of people i've known who weren't too much taller than me and built about like i feel like i should be for my bone structure (a size 3-5) plus 10-20 pounds for extra chest and ass (because no matter how much weight i lost, they would always be bigger than is proportional). i have now exceeded twice that weight, plus a little more. the stretch marks on my legs now reach half way down my calves. i've got some on my arms down to about half way between my elbow and wrist, a few on my lower stomach, sides and outside hip. on my chest they've all run together into just thin skin, and it only shows around the edges where they turn back into stretch marks. i measured my thigh a while back out of curiousity, and it's bigger than some of my friends waists.

i know why normal sized girls complain about being too fat, because chicks on tv and in movies are abnormally small, and if you ever see a famous chick who isn't then people talk about how big she is. and plus size models are smaller than i was when my doctor swore i wasn't too heavy, but they're at least 8 or 9 inches taller. i know it must make them feel bad, but when i hear friends of mine talk about how they're getting so fat and i know i was in middle school when i was that size, and i outweigh them by the size of some people, it's frustrating. i really want to be understanding, but instead it makes me angry or want to cry. i'm not saying that i want people to stop talking about these things around me, and i don't want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. but think about how it would feel to not always fit in chairs, or to not be able to ride some amusement park rides that you used to love, to have to worry if you want to take a plane ride if the seat will be wide enough. maybe saying goodbye to 2 piece bathing suits isn't so bad.