the oddity of pets

i love my dogs, but sometimes i find myself sayings strange things to them. here are a few examples of things i never want to say to any of my human associates:

"quit rubbing on me, you freak"

"hey! genital licking is not allowed on my bed"

"that's my tit you're standing on"

"quit licking the floor; i didn't drop any food"

"you can crap in the house when you learn to use the toilet"

"this is why you shouldn't eat string"

"the carpet is not toilet paper"

"you can't eat that [cat, dog, bicycle, pedestrian]; it's bigger than you"

"exactly what does it have to smell like for you to shit on it?"

just thought i'd share.